lsanderson | Michele Bachmann: EXPLAINED

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hwrnmnbsol at Michele Bachmann: EXPLAINED

This week we received the baffling news that Michele Bachmann wants us to ‘Beware the Soviet Union’, a rival state that apparently is on the rise. This may be difficult to comprehend for those of us who were alive and conscious in 1991. Indeed, it seems that a great many statements made by Michele Bachmann have the effect of generating bewilderment among a certain class of the population, a class that for brevity’s sake I shall label ‘people who know things’.

I have a new theory to help explain some of Michele Bachmann’s statements in a context that will clear up the confusion. This theory is sure to be controversial to that segment of America that is suspicious of all things theoretical, such as the theory of human-generated global warming, or equally spurious and unprovable theorems such as the Theory of Universal Gravitation or, my personal favorite, the Theory of Supply-Side Economics. However, it is my hope that the explanatory power of my theory will be strong enough to cast aside all doubts, and shortly even Ms. Bachmann herself will recognize its incredible predictive strength.

In brief, my theory is this: Michele Bachmann is traveling backwards through time.

Now, before you get all dismissive, I’ll ask you to examine the facts. It’s certainly true that as seen from the perspective of a person for whom the normal universe’s past is her future, the spectre of the Soviet Union looms large. In the coming decades they will confound the west by removing nuclear weapons faster than we do, extract warheads from Cuba despite our protests, pull out of Eastern Europe and unsuccessfully invade Afghanistan (that last one looks the same in both directions). They will shamelessly copy our pursuits in the space race – we put a man in orbit, they’ll put a man in orbit – and they will be at least 50% responsible for creating Nazi Germany by withdrawing from Central Europe. This menace will persist for the better part of a century, at which point a royal family will appear from nowhere and squelch this accursed Revolution of the People. I can’t blame Michele Bachmann for wanting to warn America about this looming threat which lies only a few short decades behind us.

This week Michele Bachmann has also celebrated the birthdate of Elvis Presley. The press made much of this being some kind of gaffe, and that the actual date in question was the anniversary of The King’s death. However, when seen through the lens of my theory of backwards living, Michele Bachmann’s comments make much more sense. She was observing the date that, for her, represents Elvis’s birth thirty years into her future. He will spontaneously arise as a fat man in a jumpsuit with the magical ability to extract bullets from his television, have a long musical career in which he slowly transitions from Las Vegas lounge acts to movies, and then black musicians will steal his musical legacy. IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW.

Seen in this context, many of Michele Bachmann’s alleged flubs and errors take on a new and more reasonable meaning. When she claimed that black families were actually better off during the period of slavery in comparison to during President Obama’s rule, the liberal media had a field day – but what if you look at it through the eyes of a person living backwards in time? Within President Obama’s tenure, many poor black families started out having health insurance, whereas on President Bush’s watch they’ll have none – pretty bad! While during slavery, black people will receive free trips to Africa to be reunited with their families – pretty good! And when she claimed that John Quincy Adams was a founding father despite being a child when the Declaration of Independence was signed – well, duh! His father John Adams signed the document, and he’s John Quincy Adams’ direct descendant! You can’t get much more ‘founding’ than that!

There can be no doubt in my mind that Michele Bachmann journeys through time in a direction opposite from the rest of the world. As proof I offer up the fact that I am repeating my opinions often and forcefully, and if that’s good enough for the Republican party, why then it’s good enough for me. Keep in mind that since Michele Bachmann is aging backwards, this means that she is on the tail-end of her national political career and is about to disappear from the public eye. As such, all of her comments should be taken in the context of a wise woman’s parting remarks before she rides off into the setting sun in the east.

It’s enough to make me want to age backwards too.